‘I’m known to be quite vexing – I’m just forewarning you…’

The most excruciatingly terrible thing about Suicide Squad is not the laughable dialogue, it’s not the forgettable characters, it’s not even the shoddy CGI. No, the worst thing about this glitter covered excreta is how fucking dull it is.

A movie about a gang of super villains led by The Joker is a great concept. This is not that movie however. It is, in fact, a story about a group of interchangeable heroes who occasionally encounter The Joker for a minute or two. “Who’s that joker?” I pondered to myself every time Jared Leto wandered into shot, mainly because I had forgotten who he was in the forty minutes or so since he had last appeared.

Not everything about Suicide Squad is bad however. Margot Robbie brings Harley Quinn snapping and snarling to the big screen with a performance as spellbinding as it is memorable. Every other thing about Suicide Squad is terrible though. The aforementioned dialogue makes Michael Bay look like Harold Pinter, so much so that some of the one liners physically hurt me. Everything Will Smith says is the worst thing he has ever said. Not since his years of working with Jazzy Jeff has Smith encountered such professional incompetency. If only Uncle Phil had been on hand to grab writer/director David Ayer by his neck and throw him out of the metaphorical Beverly Hills mansion that is Hollywood.

Perhaps most unforgivably of all, even the action sequences are limp and uninspired. Even if my only motivation for seeing this movie was shit being blown up and Margot Robbie in hot pants (shout out to all teenage boys), I still would have been disappointed. If you can’t get the action sequences right in an action movie, then it is time for an agonizing reappraisal of your moribund career.

The soundtrack sums up the entire ‘film’. Safe, boring, unoriginal. Suicide Squad is perhaps not the worst thing that has ever happened to me, I once stood in dog shit without any shoes or socks on for example, but it is mighty close.

A sequel is due in 2019. It’s a terrible world we live in.