Horrible, grim faced woman lowers tone of a nice old gentleman’s house with her vulgar stories.

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My first experience of director Lars Von Trier was Antichrist which I hated so much it took me four years to watch another one of his works. Antichrist is just controversy for controversy’s sake as well as being unpleasant, pretentious nonsense so I was pleasantly surprised when I gave his other work Dogville a shot and absolutely loved it. I followed this with Melancholia which I also loved so I had started to think Antichrist was an anomaly.

Then I watched Nymphomaniac… Jesus…

I don’t know what possessed someone as obviously intelligent as Lars von Trier to take four hours to present the message ‘If a man fucks loads of girls he is a stud but if a girl does it she is a slag’ – A view so obvious and prevalent that you see it everywhere from sixth form drama productions to fucking TOWIE.

In fairness the first half is actually pretty good but the second half is truly terrible. The sex scenes seem gratuitous in one way but in another way you definitely couldn’t call anything in this four hour glumathon titillating so accusations of gratuity are probably unfair. All this would be fine if the acting or writing or ANYTHING saved Nymphomanic but nothing does.

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Of course it must have been tough for Charlotte Gainsbourg to film all those sex scenes but it would have been tough for me if I filmed them and believe me that would have been shit too. Just because a role is grueling, doesn’t make it good.

Shia LaBeouf is all over the place. I literally have no idea what his accent was. Uma Thurman and Christian Slater save the first half and Jamie Bell is actually the best thing in the entire saga in the second half but nobody else stands out. The characters are so badly written nobody could possibly believe that anywhere in the world there is people like this.

Tarantino also writes characters that are a caricature but they are bloody entertaining. I can’t imagine a single reason to bother sitting through this but I’m sure it is being hailed as a masterpiece the world over.