The Paperboy – 3/10.

A group of reporters attempt to find answers in the case of death row inmate. Director Lee Daniels ends up making a film more tedious than the Sega Megadrive game of the same name…


The Paperboy starts off fairly promisingly and has a ridiculously strong cast. Matthew McConaughey leads the way as the reporter returning to his home town, with support in the shape of inmate John Cusack, inmates pen pal Nicole Kidman, reporters younger brother Zac Efron and erm… Macy Gray.

It all unravels so quickly it is actually quite impressive. It feels like the last hour of the film was finished by a passing maniac they brought in off the street. Nicole Kidman does quite well in a completely unnecessarily difficult role (loads of gratuitous violent sexual scenes) but other than that there is nothing what so ever of note here. Efron tries but is totally forgettable. They could have just spliced deleted scenes from Mud to cover McConaughey’s character as they are pretty much identical and even the usually reliable John Cusack has a bit of a stinker. Definitely one to miss.

The To Do List – 3/10.

A sexually inexperienced girl decides to lose her virginity before going to college.

Writer/director Maggie Carey somehow contrives to make a very likeable cast churn out a terrible, embarrassingly bad film. Said cast includes Audrey Plaza as the protagonist, Alia Shawkat (Maeby from Arrested Development), Clark Gregg (Agent Coulson from Avengers, Young Neil from Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, Bill Hader, Christopher Mintz-Plasse (Mclovin’) and Andy Samberg. Why any of those people (except Bill Hader who is married to Carey so kind of has to) got involved in this I will never know.
A juvenile and totally outdated concept with one dimensional, un-likeable characters and even a rubbish soundtrack to say it is set in 1993. Carey somehow even makes Audrey Plaza obnoxious which is unbelievable.
The To Do List is a throwback to smut fests of old like Porky’s, but at least Porky’s was actually funny, if a little charmless. The To Do List however is wildly offensive to both sexes, completely unoriginal and worst of all it is nearly two hours long! Only some decent Bill Hader one liners save this from The Mothman Prophecies territory.

Vanishing on 7th Street – 0/10.

Terrible horror… Brilliant comedy.


In a the flick of a finger most of the population of Detroit vanishes (hilariously leaving just their clothes behind) apart from Hayden ‘I ruined Star Wars’ Christensen, Thandie Newton, John Leguizamo and a generic plucky black kid with attitude yo. This rag tag group of terrible actors band together to sit in dark rooms and randomly start shouting things in the middle of conversations like ‘DON’T YOU GET IT?!’. They then start driving round in cars and letting the darkness (for this is what is out to get them obviously) trick them into thinking it is their loved ones calling for them. Over and over again it tricks them. From the baby in the pram under a street light in the middle of a dark street to the boys mother on the altar of a creepy candle lit church (because that is where people hang out to call to their relatives.) At one point the kid has an inner monologue unconvincingly repeating the words ‘I exist… I exist’ as if he believes someone will just stop the movie and put an end to all our suffering at any moment.
It is astonishing that Brad Anderson ( Session 9, The Machinist) squeezed out this little piece of excreta. If they had marketed this a straight up comedy and changed nothing I would have scored it at least 7/10 so it is worth watching for that reason alone.

Insidious 2 – 3/10.

The imaginatively named Insidious 2 joins the ever growing rank of rubbish horror sequels…


Insidious 2 picks up right from where Insidious left off. Patriarch Josh Lambert (Patrick Wilson) is back from erm… the underworld? But all is not well.
Where to start with the things wrong with this film? OK firstly the dialogue, which ranges from corny to downright offensively awful. Complimenting that we have the whole spectrum of terrible acting on show, from Rose Byrne’s constantly hysterical and screaming mother to the calmest children of all time who just seem fine with ghosts talking to them through tin cans.
This time when (spoiler alert but seriously this film has already been spoiled by the makers) the main characters go into the underworld there is about as much peril on show as a fucking ham sandwich. It is about as tense as a garden gnome. It is so ridiculous that it would be actually impossible for anyone watching to not think ‘this is utterly ridiculous’ and become completely disengaged. While all this is bad the worst thing about Insidious 2 by a country mile is the horrendous ‘comic relief’ that they have for some bizarre reason included throughout the movie. It is so out of place that it feels like it has been spliced in from an Eddie Murphy flick or something. Big Mommas Haunted House perhaps?
So Insidious 2 should be the death knoll for ghost stories for a while. Like Slasher movies, Torture Porn, and Found Footage before it, now is the time to resign this tired genre to the horror dustbin for a while. Unfortunately Insidious 3 is already in the works. Sighhhhhhhh.

Trespass – 3.5/10.

Standard hostage/kidnapp bullshit from Joel Schumacher. Nic Cage needs to pay off his tax bill soon. This is his most phoned in performance yet. None of his usual sparkle, he frankly seems embarrassed by the whole thing. The presence of Cage and Kidman and the decent performances of Ben Mendelsohn as head criminal and Liana Liberato as rebellious daughter only just elevate this above made for TV status. Joel Schumacher (the man who put nips on Batman) needs to stick to something with a decent story like his recent efforts Town Creek and Number 23 because this is just awful. Avoid.

The Mothman Prophecies – 0/10.

Ladies and gentlemen. My least favourite film of all time!

(takes a deep breath). Right… where to start with this one… This is probably the most boring, slow, devoid of anything at all movie I have ever seen (with the possible exception of The English Patient but that is just not my kind of film).

Even Richard Gere loses interest about 45 minutes in and just spends the rest of the film in darkened rooms talking on phones to people who may or may not be real. The ‘prophecies’ of mothmen are a little premature as they have about 50 seconds of screen time.

This all builds to a painfully meh crescendo of something happening on a bridge. I would literally rather watch a packet of custard creams for 1 hour 58 minutes than waste any more of my time with this. I would rather be the gerbil up Richard Gere’s ass than have to watch him look as bored as I was with the endless nothingness that is happening around him.

Before this, Tekken was the worst film I had ever seen, but bearing in mind this film had a budget of £32 million (!) I think I might have a new winner. 0/10